More Side-Splitting Humor From Muhammad

You've heard that Allah has two hands. You've also heard that both of Allah's hands are right hands (if not, see the video at the end). Perhaps you thought that this is where the inanity ends and things couldn't be any more bizarre. Not so fast. Read on...

The following passage of the Qur'an makes reference to Allah's "side".

(Lest) any self should say, "Oh, for (my) regret in that I indeed neglected my duty towards (literally: in the side of) Allah, and decidedly I was one of the scoffers." (S. 39:56, Muhammad Mahmoud Ghali translation)

A number of Muslims, such as Abu 'Abd Allah ibn Hamid, Qadi Abu Ya'la, Ibn al-Zaghuni, Ibn Khuzayma, et al., have taken this verse literally. Others have not, trumping up one excuse or another.

At least one Muslim was (apparently) so embarrassed by this verse that he changed it in his copy of the Qur'an (q.v. the Qur'an of Hafsa, which alters it to "in God's remembrance," as pointed out by Abdullah bin Hamid Ali in a footnote to Ibn al-Jawzi's The Attributes of God, p. 64.n33). 

The equivalent of this latter practice is found in most English translations of the Qur'an. Whereas other occurrences in the Qur'an of the underlying Arabic word are usually translated as "side" when not referring to Allah, the noun, side, when used for Allah in 39:56, is ordinarily turned into a preposition or verbal phrase or something else entirely. For example, here is Yusuf Ali's translation:

"Lest the soul should (then) say: 'Ah! Woe is me!- In that I neglected (my duty) towards Allah, and was but among those who mocked!'

Various justifications (i.e. excuses) for this are offered.

However one comes down on the above issue, there is little question that Allah's side is mentioned in the following hadith. In fact, the following hadith doesn't simply make reference to Allah's side; it makes reference to Allah's sides. And it even goes beyond that to tell us something else. But even this “something else” will hardly be surprising for those who are familiar with the rampant anthropomorphism found in the Qur'an and innumerable ahadith. For those who take into account the fact that Allah is said to have two right hands, while the following will not be surprising, I dare say most will not have thought of extrapolating to this extent.

The following hadith actually tells us that both of Allah's sides are....well, I will just let you see it for yourself:

It has been narrated on the authority of 'Abdullah b. 'Umar that the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) said: Behold! the Dispensers of justice will be seated on the pulpits of light beside God, on the right side of the Merciful, Exalted and Glorious. Either side of the Being is the right side both being equally meritorious. (The Dispensers of justice are) those who do justice in their rules, in matters relating to their families and in all that they undertake to do. (Sahih Muslim, 20.4493; *)

As I have said before, given what the Islamic sources teach, the real reason Muslims should have a problem with the Word becoming flesh is not because it is impossible for God to become a man, but because their "god" already is a man-like being, and an odd looking one at that. 

If you missed it before, here is a video discussing another part of Allah’s anatomy.

All right, Muslims. This is your cue. The comments section is open, let the excuses begin.